So, yesterday’s post may have seemed a bit harsh to some people. I realized this morning that my grief gets the better of me at times and the missing her gets overwhelming. My apologies if you were taken aback.
Truth be told, I give to charities like Leukemia and Lymphoma Society in memory of my dad and to other places because I want to give back, AND because I am grateful for my own gifts. But, I do think that all of us in our heart of hearts, if we are honest with ourselves, do have a sense of “But for the Grace of God…”. After Katie died, and since, I HAVE felt the stigma of her illness and of her death by suicide. Almost as if the manner of her death might be contagious. I used to pray openly, when I would see children with cancer at Children’s where I worked, that I would NEVER lose one of my children, because that would be the ONE thing I could never live through. I still think that sometimes. I wonder how I am doing it. But, I have the overpowering love of a remaining daughter and the future of grandchildren yet to come, and I know that they need me and I need them, and I remember that there is love yet to be shared.
I don’t always agree with God’s plan, yet I do still believe that He has one. I know that I would not be doing this work that I do, or swimming this swim and raising this money and trying to make this difference if this had not happened to me. Maybe I am a bit like George Bailey during this Christmas season, not seeing the full impact of my life if I were not here, if I had decided to leave after Katie when the pain was unbearable. How many lives have I positively affected that I just don’t know about? I don’t have a Clarence to show me, but maybe I just need to have faith that I have, because yesterday a friend showed up for me over lunch to remind me that God is not done with me, and another showed up in the pool this morning to encourage me that although my pacemaker wires need to be replaced AGAIN (4 surgeries in 5 years now), there will be better times ahead, and next week Saturday WILL BE A GREAT DAY. These people are the hands and feet of Jesus in my life, reminding me that I am loved. I hope that I do that for others as much as it is done for me at critical moments.
And so, as I embark on this last week of this journey, I want to THANK you for sharing this journey with me. I want to INVITE you to join me in CELEBRATING and I want to ASK you to pray for me as I face another health challenge after the holidays. The struggle is real, my friends. This pacemaker junk is no party. But, it’s better than the alternative I guess! Figuratively and literally, I need to “JUST KEEP SWIMMING!” I hope that you all are enjoying a blessed holiday season with those you love most.
SEE YOU AT SALOON ON CALHOUN, 12-3 on DECEMBER 15TH!!